Dawn
Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:13 pm
Ok, so I wrote most of this poem in bed one night. However, I never could think of a good end for it. Finally, though, I did. Now, however, I am so close to the poem that I see it as perfect, even though I KNOW it isn't. Please criticise it. BTW, I know that I use "fingers" a lot in this poem. This is meant to be. Same with the 4-line rhyme in each stanza.
Dawn
Dawn's rosy fingers,
They cradle the night.
When their heat lingers,
They bring forth the light.
Hopping and skipping, she brings joy to men,
painting the colours in forest and glen.
Her lovely fingers,
They paint such a sight,
Give song to the singers
And make the sun bright.
Steadily, slowly, she makes the sun rise,
'Til he, and not her, is lord of the skies.
Dawn's warlike fingers,
They join in the fight.
Blood mixed by minglers,
The olde stories write
Bitterly, bitterly, wars for her place.
Sadly, she loses, the sunset her face.
Dawn's icy fingers,
Now rigid with fright.
Colourful bringers
Have no place at night.
Darkness of evening envelopes us all.
Now Dawn lies beneath her funeral pall.
Dawn's caring fingers
Are wholly alright.
Cold only lingers
For Dark's reign, finite.
In dead of night, she takes up her pen
And with her sweet fingers writes beauty again.
Dawn
Dawn's rosy fingers,
They cradle the night.
When their heat lingers,
They bring forth the light.
Hopping and skipping, she brings joy to men,
painting the colours in forest and glen.
Her lovely fingers,
They paint such a sight,
Give song to the singers
And make the sun bright.
Steadily, slowly, she makes the sun rise,
'Til he, and not her, is lord of the skies.
Dawn's warlike fingers,
They join in the fight.
Blood mixed by minglers,
The olde stories write
Bitterly, bitterly, wars for her place.
Sadly, she loses, the sunset her face.
Dawn's icy fingers,
Now rigid with fright.
Colourful bringers
Have no place at night.
Darkness of evening envelopes us all.
Now Dawn lies beneath her funeral pall.
Dawn's caring fingers
Are wholly alright.
Cold only lingers
For Dark's reign, finite.
In dead of night, she takes up her pen
And with her sweet fingers writes beauty again.
Last edited by Marshmallow Sky on Sun Jan 23, 2005 4:10 am, edited 2 times in total.
Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:21 pm
Ooooh! I love it! It seems to me the the last stanze is a little forced, but other than that it's wonderful.
Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:27 pm
Yeah, I totally agree about the last stanza being Awkward. I am currently trying to work through it, but I see no way to make it clearer
Fri Jan 21, 2005 11:22 pm
I think (and this is just a suggestion) that this, or something like it, might work a little better.
But Dawn's loving fingers
Are wholly alright.
The cold only lingers
While Dark shadows light
In dead of night, she takes up her pen
And with her sweet fingers writes beauty again
Hehe. I had fun with that, I must admit.
But Dawn's loving fingers
Are wholly alright.
The cold only lingers
While Dark shadows light
In dead of night, she takes up her pen
And with her sweet fingers writes beauty again
Hehe. I had fun with that, I must admit.
Sat Jan 22, 2005 1:25 am
Wow! I am really impressed with the last two lines on that. I was thinking on the same lines for that dark shadows light thing, though I was using conquers instead, but I didn't want to use light as a rhyme again. Really good!
Thank you so much for your opinion.
Thank you so much for your opinion.
Sat Jan 22, 2005 1:33 am
Thanks. You're very welcome.
Sat Jan 22, 2005 1:37 am
Wow. That's really good^^ I love the imagery...so powerful...
Rosy-fingered Dawn...I think I've heard that somewhere before...-muses-
Rosy-fingered Dawn...I think I've heard that somewhere before...-muses-
Sat Jan 22, 2005 2:40 am
The Illiad. You probably read it there. I drew the life cycle of her colors from that one line in the Illiad about her rosy fingers. She was, in greek mythology a lot like another immortal, Iris, but instead of coloring the rainbow, dawn colored the skies with her brilliant hues.
Sat Jan 22, 2005 5:02 am
Hooom, hmm! Has somebody been reading The Illiad lately? ^^
I LIKE.
I LIKE.
Sat Jan 22, 2005 6:26 pm
But Dawn's loving fingers
Are holy through night
The cold only lingers
While dark's shadow waits light
Becoming beauty 'fore morn, to give the world life
To make our Earth the most wonderous sight.
I suppose that could work. I do like Requiem's last two lines. Perhaps you could make the last lines longer. They seem to be rather short- and making them have more length would give them a rhythm. All in all, a very nice poem.
Are holy through night
The cold only lingers
While dark's shadow waits light
Becoming beauty 'fore morn, to give the world life
To make our Earth the most wonderous sight.
I suppose that could work. I do like Requiem's last two lines. Perhaps you could make the last lines longer. They seem to be rather short- and making them have more length would give them a rhythm. All in all, a very nice poem.
Sun Jan 23, 2005 2:42 am
Wow! I love it^_^ amazing. Great job on it! It's a pretty inspiring poem^_^ *nods*
Sun Jan 23, 2005 4:20 am
Ok, well, if you look up at my first post,, you will see that I have edited a few of the rough spots, and applying Requiem's ast two lines.
The only reason I did not use some of the other lines reccomended was because I am a firm believer in not using the same ryhme. Of course, I did make an exception in the case of fingers, as I wanted her fingers to be the center of the poem, much like Poe's Bells. Another reason I did not use the suggestion of loving is because, if you look at the second stanza, you will see a similar word describing the same object. While I did like the idea of loving, I felt it fit better where it was, as it is showing the painting of a goregeous day.
Anyway, I am thankful for all the comments on it. I will still check up on your ideas and perhaps implement them in it (I do have it on a floppy with some of my other work), but I feel that it has reached a state of perfection.
The only reason I did not use some of the other lines reccomended was because I am a firm believer in not using the same ryhme. Of course, I did make an exception in the case of fingers, as I wanted her fingers to be the center of the poem, much like Poe's Bells. Another reason I did not use the suggestion of loving is because, if you look at the second stanza, you will see a similar word describing the same object. While I did like the idea of loving, I felt it fit better where it was, as it is showing the painting of a goregeous day.
Anyway, I am thankful for all the comments on it. I will still check up on your ideas and perhaps implement them in it (I do have it on a floppy with some of my other work), but I feel that it has reached a state of perfection.