Fireworks { another poem }

[Divine]

Well, I've finally plucked up the courage to post another poem =P. I would appreciate construction critism and/or comments. Any help with revising/editing would be nice as well. If people like this, I'm going to enter this in PI XD. And yes, I know, it's really weird.


EDIT: Argh, it's not showing my extra spaces. They are IMPORTANT! If anyone wants to see them, I think quoting it and putting it on MSN word would do. Or you can just PM me your email and I can email it to you. Without the spaces the poem isn't as good, so please don't talk about it if you haven't seen the spaces!!


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EDIT2: I have deleted this as I plan to enter it into a competition. Obviously I sincerely hope no one has stolen it. I trust you guys!

Last edited by Divine on Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

[.:Requiem:.]

-melts-

I am soo in love with your poetry...

I'm awed, right now, but I'll edit with real stuff later.

[Twinkle]

Absolutely beautiful. The only crit I can think of is to add slight punctuation to define the flow of your poem. Unless you mean it to be that way. I would like to see your poem with the structuring so add me on MSN.

[MyleneFarmer]

Wow. I don't really like poetry (which is why I so rarely comment on the poems put up here). But, I'm thinking maybe I should change that view. That was really beautiful, Divine. Very rarely do I actually feel much when I read a poem, but that time I did.

[Ammer]

That was a really nice poem, it was very emotional. I however have two critiques, the line "shattered into a million trillion pieces", it would be better if you just say "shattered into a million pieces", it sounds more sophisticated that way.

And the punctuation (As Twinkle mentioned) needs to be fixed.

Other than that, the poem was awesome.

[Divine]

Thanks for the compliments and critiques, everyone. I think I will change the million trillion part. It was originally only million, then I changed it because I thought it would flow better with the other lines, but I guess not!! =D

And I've used no punctuation or capital letters in this poem because I wanted to make it sound so dreamy. To be honest, I don't think it needs it; I rather like it this way! =)

Just out of curiosity, all of you saw the spaces, right? I know for a fact that Twinkle and Requiem did, but I'm not sure about Mylene and Ammer.

[MyleneFarmer]

I'm not sure what you're meaning by the extra spaces, actually. ^^;;

[Ammer]

I'm not sure what you're meaning by the extra spaces, actually. ^^;;

I'm with Mylene, I don't know what you're saying.

[Divine]

Oops, I should have made it more clear.

In my original poem, I added different-lengthed tabs/indents to different lines to define the shape of the actually poem. I replaced the tabs with spaces in my post up there, but you can't see them because PPT automatically changes all the extra spaces to one space T_T.

In order to see them, you'll have to quote my first post (I THINK that would work). If not, you can PM me your email or something and I'll just send it over. That's if you want to see if with the tabs/spaces, of course. I think they're important to the poem.

[MyleneFarmer]

Ah, now I know what you're talking about. ^_^ I hadn't seen it with the spaces. But now, I have, and I rather like what you did. Very creative.

Oh, and personally I like the 'million trillion' part. It's fanciful, and this poem in general is quite fanciful as well to me.

[Divine]

Good, that's how the poem is supposed to be seen! Otherwise, I think it looks quite ugly =P.

Mylene, now that you've said that, I've decided not to change the million trillion part. I'm so indecisive. Haha.

I'll be entering this in PI... maybe...