Help needed-- Engish short Story
Sun Oct 10, 2004 2:10 pm
In english, we are doing this short story on death of a pet. I wrote this, its slightly twisted, I have a tiny bit of symbolism, and some repetition in it, but it's too short (only 300 words or so). I need to flesh it out in places, can anyone give me some comments and critisism, and advice one where I should write more would be greatly appreciated 
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I can never help but stare when he hurts Millie. Millie is my favourite pet, even though I have three. She does nothing about it, and sometimes even helps. I am living with a new family now, because of them. They hurt Millie, they hurt her really badly. I’m not sure if she will live.
He came home one night; I was eating my dinner at the point. I knew he would be mean, so hid. Millie tried to run away, but he hit her, the bruises on her arms and legs were a constant reminder of the abuse she had to live with. Millie normally never cried out, but this time, when he hit her, she whimpered. Millie is my favourite pet, you know, even though I have three.
She threw my food at Millie’s head, Millie moved in time so it smashed against the wall behind her, and the room began to stink of raw meat.
Millie ran for the door, but he caught her first, shouting, in words I can’t recognise, curses and abuse.
He hit her again, in the head, and her neck snapped back, and she slumped to the floor. I tried not to cry out, Millie is my favourite pet, and I wouldn’t want her to get hurt.
Men came to take them away, and also Millie. So I was sent to live with a new family, they are always so patronizing, never letting me go outside without a supervisor. I would escape from here, but last time I tried that, they didn’t give me meat for a week, and hit me over the nose with a strange bunch of paper. Come to think of it, it had Millie’s picture on it, I wish I could read those strange human words, I wonder what it meant . . .
Millie was always my favourite pet, now I don’t think I have any left.
--
I can never help but stare when he hurts Millie. Millie is my favourite pet, even though I have three. She does nothing about it, and sometimes even helps. I am living with a new family now, because of them. They hurt Millie, they hurt her really badly. I’m not sure if she will live.
He came home one night; I was eating my dinner at the point. I knew he would be mean, so hid. Millie tried to run away, but he hit her, the bruises on her arms and legs were a constant reminder of the abuse she had to live with. Millie normally never cried out, but this time, when he hit her, she whimpered. Millie is my favourite pet, you know, even though I have three.
She threw my food at Millie’s head, Millie moved in time so it smashed against the wall behind her, and the room began to stink of raw meat.
Millie ran for the door, but he caught her first, shouting, in words I can’t recognise, curses and abuse.
He hit her again, in the head, and her neck snapped back, and she slumped to the floor. I tried not to cry out, Millie is my favourite pet, and I wouldn’t want her to get hurt.
Men came to take them away, and also Millie. So I was sent to live with a new family, they are always so patronizing, never letting me go outside without a supervisor. I would escape from here, but last time I tried that, they didn’t give me meat for a week, and hit me over the nose with a strange bunch of paper. Come to think of it, it had Millie’s picture on it, I wish I could read those strange human words, I wonder what it meant . . .
Millie was always my favourite pet, now I don’t think I have any left.
Mon Oct 11, 2004 3:13 pm
It reminds me of this poem I read about child abuse. It's a really good story, dark, yet compassionate. I personally think you should turn it into a poem. You know, one of those dark, sad, poems. It was interesting the way you said "he" or "she" instead of being more specific. That type of refering to someone without giving a name is quite common in creative writing, though, in your story, it certainly made an effective setting.
Mon Oct 11, 2004 8:42 pm
Thanks. I've handed it in and she said it needed to be about 80 words longer >_< (I edited it so its not the same as up there ^)
Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:19 am
Very emotional. You definitely get the point across, and you gave me tears in my eyes 
. I love how you have the different point of view, and it is very touching. Incredible work!^^*
. I love how you have the different point of view, and it is very touching. Incredible work!^^*