Pink Poogle Toy Forum

Well, Mutant Day is coming up, and Mutants have always been my favourites along with Plushies - if I ever finish my Plushie goals, I'm making a Mutant side - so I thought I'd put up some poems to submit for the coming Mutant Day. Any and all (constructive) criticism is appreciated. I'll be posting several poems, this first one was just a quick try-out. Please tell me what you think of it.
Thanks!
PS: Does anyone know how the poetry competition rules work? Only one piece? As much as you like? Etc.

Mutants: our misunderstood friends.

We surely all have seen one
and stared behind their backs
the foul, the twisted creatures
from the Bruces to the Draiks

I'm talking Mutants now, you see
those poor unfortunate souls
who were given nasty potions
to further Frank Sloth's goals

Or maybe just a lab malfunction
caused them to appear
as big and scary, small and spooky,
striking us with fear

And so it is quite easy
to dismiss them as evil and mad
when all we should be doing
is pity the misfortune they had

Of course there are some mutants
who are just as evil as they seem
but an Island Mynci or Faerie Lenny
can be just as mean

So don't let big teeth and horns
cloud your judgment of a friend
just give them food, a bed and hugs
and they'll love you back no end.

EDIT: And here is another one, quite the opposite! It's supposed to be read with some tempo in it, but I guess that's obvious.

The mutants are here!

Big horns and teeth,sharp as nails
And spooky eyes abound
They're scary and they're coming
So make sure that you're not found!

The mutants are here! The mutants are here!
Even the meepits are filled with fright
They'll fill your heart and mind with fear
Whatever you do, keep on the light!

They'll pull you from your bed in the dark
And drag you to their hole
To eat you piece by piece by piece
Or suck out your soul

The mutants are here! The mutants are here!
Quick, hide under your bed!
They'll fill your heart and mind with fear
With eyes glowing evil and red

It turns out you're lucky (well, so to speak)
They ran off with your neighbour instead
Still, you're afraid, because he himself
Had also crawled under his bed

The mutants were here! The mutants were here!
Will they come tomorrow as well?
Your heart is suddenly filled with fear
As you know they could be ringing YOUR bell!

PPS: These poems were posted on Saturday, August 9th, 2008, and are the intellectual property of the user known on PPT and Neopets as Pardona_ii. Not to be used anywhere else unless explicit written (email or pm) permisson is given by the author

pardona, I absolutely love it! I think it's fabulous. The one thing I've noticed is that in each of your stanzas, the second and fourth line rhyme, except for the first stanza. "Draik" rhymes with "break".

Good luck with it and keep up the great work!

Hey, thanks May.
And yes, I realize the poem probably still needs some tweaking, but I've noticed that in the past, a lot of the submitted poems have had lines that didn't rhyme entirely - hence the 'seem' and 'mean' in the fifth stanza, for example. Now, to be fair, I've never pronounced Draik as 'drake', but more like 'drag', with a harder ending and a quick, almost unnoticable i before the end. However, as 'drake' seems to be the official pronunciation, and is indeed a vey far throw from 'back', I will definitely be altering this piece.
Thanks for the constructive, positive, and useful feedback!

EDIT: Now, if I could get some feedback for the second one...

Hey I love it! Want me to turn it into a song for you? Send me a PM if you do and I'll record a little ditty for you.

That would be awesome! Thanks Shoyru!
As for the poems: I'm still having some trouble with the first stanza of the first poem, and am also currently wondering if the second poem isn't a little bit too scary for Neopets.




?

EDIT: So, how about:




?

Some feedback would be much appreciated. I'm thinking it will have to be submitted any day now.

EDIT2: Well, they're submitted. I hope a week in advance is enough.