how do you deal with sad things?

[autechre]

one of my friends at school her sister was just involved in a car accident and has died. its really sad for it to happen, since she was such a lovely person, really bright and caring, and to happen now.. its very hard because exams are so close, we have all been under pressure. but the car rolled on the freeway, and she was okay, got out, made a couple of phone calls to parents, and then a car trying to avoid the crash hit another car which then hit her.

and its really sad, we missed her today, and i think it was worse since the only tutes i had today were with her, and we always talk, it was so empty today. i have the same teacher for both classes as well, and he seemed really dazed, since he taught that sister as well. and even still, they made us do grad practise, not much point since half the people went home,

and i really don't know what to say... i know how i feel, but saying stuff, is hard.

and i don't know how to deal with it. i have huge exams coming up, and this is bad, because not only is it so tragic, it reminds me heavily of what happened in 10th grade, where another friend also died at a sports carnival, and they still have no idea what really caused it. that time completely incapacitated me for a month, our entire yeargroup was well, we did have a hard time. it didn't help that 2 girls, we heard commenting the only reason they attended the funeral, was to get out of school, we gave them a piece of our mind, a large piece, but it only got US into a huge lot of trouble. and then it reminds me of the other losses i've had in my life, my uncle, who died when we were on holiday overseas, and instead of celebrating new year with my family, who i've only seen twice in 15 years, we had a funeral.

but mainly, what i would like to know, is how to deal with this better, i've already talked to counsellers provided by the school, and they frankly did nothing for us, just handed us more tissues. so i would like some help, or advice if any thanks

[Alex]

*big glompy hug*

I'm sorry. That must be so hard on you, I've had loved ones die before and I know how it feels.

Personally, I don't really like talking to counsellors. Maybe it's because I'm a private person, but I never feel that they're actually helping me out. I prefer talking to my close friends.

Though it sounds harsh, eventually you do need to move on. I'm not saying straight away, and I'm not saying to forget her, but I'm sure she wouldn't want you to spend your life dwelling on it. One of the main things I've found is not to avoid the subject. Some people might avoid bringing it up with you, but I've found that keeping it all inside and not saying anything about her just ends up letting it all bottle up and eventually you'll have a massive emotional breakdown.

Maybe you could organise something as a tribute to her. It could be a gathering of her closest friends; it could be something as simple as just making a scrapbook full of memories from her life. Either way, it will help the healing process, and allow you all to remember the good times that you had with her.

*hugs again* Words can't really say how much I feel for you and all your friends at the moment, but I shall keep you in my thoughts. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to contact me

[Igg]

My friend's mum died in a car crash last year.

First of all, let your friend know you're there if she needs you. She may never call on you, but knowing that you're there will be enough. I was told not to go see my friend when i found out the day after, but I did anyway. We asked if she wanted to see me, and apparently she'd been saying to her family she wanted to see me. So many people offered her their support, and although she didn't take many of them up on it, she told me that she appreciated their thoughts.

Your teachers will take your bereavment into account with the exams, the pressure that you're under.

At the same time, Alex is right, don't let dwelling on this take over. My friend's family didn't dwell on it. Of course, they remember her every day, but they still get on with their lives, and have fun, and work hard to acheive things.

Don't dwell on it, but make sure that you let yourself know how you feel. It's alright to cry about it. Try talking about it with your friends.
I don't like counsellors either, you want to talk to someone who knows how you feel, really.

[autechre]

i'm kinda escaping facing it, i'm on neopets, which is probably as far as i can get from it, appart from outer space

its hard, since we only have 2 days of school left, so after that, we have a week of study, i don't think we will really see her, and i don't want to intrude too much on her and her family, the principal and her close friends went today, and we did organise a card, which as many as possible signed, but only half the year group was here today, and it was hard to deal with this, plus exams coming back, i've dropped a grade in 2 subjects, and gained a grade in only 1.

and the problem is: these exams are the STATE exams, the teacher can't do anything about these. my friend can apply for a special consideration, but its not possible for the rest of us, its also too close ofr us to apply, they start the week after next. my other friend, shes also having problems, because of a car accident she was in, and she now has a neural problem, she would have got the top in 3 of her subjects, if she had been capable of sitting the exams, but she was so sick.

i'm also worried about other friends, i'm making this sound like a huge big problem, and i, reading my own words, feel so pessimistic, and i don't like feeling that way. but i also don't know how to deal with other things, like some of my friends who i think are letting this really get to them, i don't know how to deal and be there for them, add to that another friend from my primary school, i found out that shes doing drugs, i can't let it go, if i let these people slide them i'm letting them down, or so it seems to me.

good grief, anyone who read just what i wrote would think: that girl is a right ray of sunshine, a grey paint brush would suit her perfectly.

but i would like to thank you for your advice it does help to know people don't like the counsellers either!

[Qanda]

Awww, I feel so sorry for you. It must be terrible losing close friends, it feels as if a part of you has been wrenched away.

I would advise you to lock your room door, turn out the lights, bury yourself in your pillows and cry to your heart's content, if you haven't done so already. Then wipe your tears, take a long shower, and tell yourself that life has to go on. Eventually, the pain will cease, and the sad memories will go away as you go on with your life and make new friends.

Here's a big hug for you! Hope you'll find the inner strength to stand up again!

[smudgeoffudge]

People deal with grief in different ways. There are no set ways which are "right". Whatever works for you, is right for you I suppose. Some people say you should talk about things, while what you might want to do is not talk about it. Others might avoid talking about it when you want to. So whatever feels right for you at the time is ok for you at the time.

I always feel like it is important to talk to people about how you feel and to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. But there is a time for it and there are people who understand what you are feeling and those who don't. So when you are ready to do that, you should do it to someone who you know will listen.

Another thing you can do is try to find a way to do something nice in the memory of someone. If they liked to go a certain place a lot, you can go there to remember them. If they had a certain place they went, like down to a pier, or a mountain overlook or some other pretty place they liked to go, like a garden, you could plant a tree there or put a pot of flowers there or just stand there and look around. It isn't even wrong to talk to them there, if you want. It depends on what you believe if you want to do that.

You could also do something nice for charity in their name.

If you felt up to it, you could collect a lot of pictures and make sort of a scrap book to remember them with. You could put pictures in it, and other pretty things that remind you of the person. Like if you see a pretty flower or leaf or a shell, you could put that in there.

If you had something that you did together, like sort of like a yearly tradition, maybe if you felt like you could do it, you should do it again.
Like if once a year on a certain date you always stayed up late watching a certain movie and eatting snacks, maybe you could do that again. Don't expect it to be the same, it won't be the same. But maybe in a way it will help you. Aniversities are very hard for people, most people feel sad when those sad times come around. Some people despise the holidays because it just reminds them of sad things. But think of it this way, would you want people to be sad on those days, and not enjoying them? You would want people to be happy. I think your friend would want you to be happy too. I know this is a LOT easier said than done, and whatever you feel you feel. Whever you do, you don't have to justify what you feel to anyone.

Another thing you can do is what ifing. Now some people hate this. So if you do, you don't have to. But I don't think it is wrong. What if the person had lived? Try to imagine good things that could have happened if they had lived. What do you think they would have done? Is there anything they hoped for or dreamed about? Can you remember if they talked about doing something? Is there anything good that you can do, to make this dream come true? If it is something you think you can do that is good for the world, that they might have done pr even talked about wanting to do, then imagine them passing the torch to you. Maybe you can do it. If they have an unfinished work in the world, maybe you can do it. If they started planting a garden maybe you can finish it for them. Or if they started writing a poem or anything. Maybe you have some memories that are bad. It is ok to have those too. If they did something but they didn't mean it, maybe you could tell someone or even yourself that you know they didn't mean it. It is sort of like forgiving. Those bad feelings can go away if everyone thinks good thoughts.

[shapu]

How you deal with things depends on your personality. I'm a fairly reserved guy IRL, so I tend to deal with loss the same way my grandfather did - be pragmatic about it.

I know it sounds harsh, but the way I look at it, the necessary end of someone's life story is that they will shuffle off this mortal coil. To deny that, or to accept it, is one's own choice; but with acceptance comes the realization that while this person was here, he or she made an impact on you that can't and shouldn't be forgotten. Rather than focusing on how someone died, I find that focusing on how they lived helps me to remember who they were, and what they wanted out of their own life and those around them.

My grandfather, for example - his death wasn't unexpected, but it was still hard to cope with it. Before he died, he told my cousin and I that he'd had a good life, he'd been happy, and that he had no regrets. While he didn't say it, it was obvious that what he wanted was the same for us. And when I look back on the time we spent together, he lived that way, too - just go out and enjoy yourself, and everything else will be taken care of.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to make sure that you are there for her - if you curl up into a ball, then you'll lose your friend as surely as her sister; the only difference will be the method.

So grieve together, or grieve apart - but make sure your friend, and those around her, know you're there if that togetherness seems like a better idea.

[xjox]

I really feel for you right now, that is an awful thing to deal with. The only advice I can really offer is talk to someone close to you about it, even if the words come out jumbled up it really can help. If you feel angry then get angry and shout, scream, cry do what ever you need to. But whatever you do dont bottle it up inside.

Try talking to your friends who are going through the same thing as you, not all of them will want to talk about it as grief affects people in different ways but knowing that you are there for them will help them more than you could ever know. If you want to talk to a professional then your doctor should be able to recommend a good counsellor who will be able to mainly listen to you and offer guidance and reassurance.

When people close to us die then we often feel like burying ourselves in our rooms and shutting out the world, this is quite honestly the worst thing you can do. Your friend would want you to carry on living, I know it seems hard to do but in time things will get a little easier. This is not to say that you will forget her, just that you will remember her at her best, which is all any of us could wish for.

[autechre]

well i can say, after a nights rest things do look alot brighter went back to school, and its the second last day, and it felt less like the funeral atmosphere it was yesterday, my friend also actually turned up to school and we all gave her a hug, and the day turned out much better then i would have thought, thinking yesterday. but schools school, and other people had other dramas about results, which made me really think that life does go on, its just hard thats all

and we went out today, organised a spur of the moment shopping outing, where we all went out, got something for lunch talked and shopped we did talk a bit about what had happened, but i think what was good for us was that we talked about happy, other positive things, so the overall feeling when we parted was happy, not sad so i think most of my friends are okay, except those depressed about exams, but i'm planning something over the weekend for them on monday, hope they like it, its a little thank you and pick me up thing

thanks to everyone for their advice though, reminding me that life does go on, and not to dwell to much on the past, it just shocked us all because of what did happen 2 years ago, it really did affect all of us strongly, and to have such a thing happen, but most people are looking ahead exams week after next!