Updated employee handbook
Fri Aug 27, 2004 12:39 am
>UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
>
>DRESS CODE
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
>we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag,
>we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
>raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need
>a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
>you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday &Sunday.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
>and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>RESTROOM USE
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
>strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
>an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
>will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
>picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
>Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
>get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
>minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
>Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, constipation contemplations,
>consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>THE MANAGEMENT
>
>DRESS CODE
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
>we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag,
>we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
>raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
>better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need
>a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS
>We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
>you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday &Sunday.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
>and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>RESTROOM USE
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
>strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
>an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
>will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
>picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
>Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
>get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
>minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
>Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, constipation contemplations,
>consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week!
>
>THE MANAGEMENT
Fri Aug 27, 2004 1:23 am
XD Ahahaha, that sounds like a corrupt business to me.
Fri Aug 27, 2004 6:30 am
Oooh wouldn't you love to work there? hehe
Fri Aug 27, 2004 10:42 am
That does not sound like a nice place to work at especially because of the restroom part.
Fri Aug 27, 2004 11:32 am
lol! Imagine sitting in the loo, and then FLASH!
Sat Aug 28, 2004 12:40 pm
haha I love that, I've never read it before. I specially liked the sick days and dress code 
Sun Sep 05, 2004 7:08 pm
I loved the toilet part. 
Sun Sep 05, 2004 7:12 pm
did you steal that out of Wal-Mart? They're gonna want it back.
Sun Sep 05, 2004 7:49 pm
That sounds like something that would happen in a Dilbert strip. Very funny. 