How to Give a Cat a Pill
Mon Jun 14, 2004 2:20 pm
I know that this one circulated the emails for quite a while, but I laughed as hard as ever when I read it again:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
Mon Jun 14, 2004 4:18 pm
HAHAHA! That's so funny! The cat...hehe..mean though.
Mon Jun 14, 2004 5:12 pm
I'm glad my cat didn't do that when I had to give her pills. I only had to get as far as step 4.
Mon Jun 14, 2004 8:13 pm
Lol... very funny! Luckily, I don't have a cat so I don't have to go through this process. 
Mon Jun 14, 2004 11:18 pm
No cat? Those are the best pets!!!
Tue Jun 15, 2004 10:22 am
LOL! that was funny 
I have a cat, but I still didn't have to give her pills. If we did have to give her pills, than I don't think I would be able to sit here...
I have a cat, but I still didn't have to give her pills. If we did have to give her pills, than I don't think I would be able to sit here...
Tue Jun 15, 2004 4:24 pm
LOL!!! i love those, number 13 is so funny
Wed Jun 16, 2004 12:13 am
Hehe, that was hilarious!
Thu Jun 17, 2004 1:54 pm
tehehe, you beat me to it, i was going to post those this weekend 
theres a little bit extra on the end of the article i got:
on the way home, ring the RSPCA about collecting mutant cat from hell, and ring pet shop to ask about hamsters
but lol, those are hilarious, and pretty much what occurs when you give a pill to my cat
theres a little bit extra on the end of the article i got:
on the way home, ring the RSPCA about collecting mutant cat from hell, and ring pet shop to ask about hamsters
but lol, those are hilarious, and pretty much what occurs when you give a pill to my cat
Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:14 pm
Oh my gosh...those seriously got me giggling. XD I can imagine that happening with my cousin's cat...
Wed Jun 30, 2004 5:40 pm
That's what happens when I try to get Lucky into his carry-case! 
Mon Jul 12, 2004 10:53 pm
Awww...cute kitty cat got a pill shot down his throat with a rubber band. 
And then coughed it up somehow...
Funny, but oh-so true. *hugs kitty cat*
And then coughed it up somehow...
Funny, but oh-so true. *hugs kitty cat*
Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:24 am
Thats funny, but if it were true I would be scared..
Tue Jul 13, 2004 1:13 pm
Wouldn't it be easier just to mix the pill in with the cat's food while making sure the cat can't taste the pill?
Tue Jul 13, 2004 1:20 pm
Combusken BG wrote:Wouldn't it be easier just to mix the pill in with the cat's food while making sure the cat can't taste the pill?
The cat will probably see the pill and smell it. Cats are smarter than most realize.