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Well, here it is. The last of the weekly college quotes. Because there were so few of them, I took the liberty of adding some bonus content to this post; some COLLEGE PRANKS.
I do not know how long it will be before I will be able to post another batch of 'college quotes,' but I do have other content that I will post when I have the time to post them. Enjoy what's below.
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"I'm not taking Anatomy, because I'll fail. It's just that I don't know math."
-Jenn, on choosing her classes
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
-Marius, being escorted out of yet another pub
"How do you pick up a chicken by grabbing it?"
-Aaron, sleep-pondering the REAL questions
Ash: So you two have a daughter, huh?
Married couple: Yes.
Ash: My parents had children also.
-Trying to make conversation with her boyfriend's relatives
Comrie: Guys! I just stole this bike from a kid right in front of his dad!
Brady: Wouldn't he have followed you here?!
Comrie: NO! I ran away really fast!
-Forgoing easier escape options
"All this black light is making me sleepy."
-Derek, on darkness
Steph: I don't have time to study for this exam! Maybe I should email the prof and tell him I have to go to my grandma's funeral.
Amanda: She died again?
Steph: Crap!! You're right. I killed her off last test.
"Hey, you look like this guy that I played baseball with."
-Mike, to some girl at a party
"This must be the biggest microwave in existence...you could seriously fit four cats in there!"
-Ryan, in his hotel room
Professor Feather: So the planets aren't only moving through space, space itself is expanding.
Chris: So what you're saying is that if you went back in time and looked at earth a long time ago, the dinosaurs would be like three feet tall.
-Chris, not understanding the universe
"I LOVE showing up to English late! Class seems so much shorter that way."
-Reuben, during one of his "late mornings"
"When I get old, I want to move to an island in the middle of the ocean...like Mexico."
-Ben
Q: We need to talk!
April: Okay, talk.
Q: I got nothing to say to you.
-Q, walking away from his own argument
"Dude, your stupid phone doesn't work!!"
-PJ, trying to dial the pizza place from a calculator drunk
"Hold your pole up, run fast, aim it at the box, plant hard and hold on for the ride."
-Kari's pole vault coach, making it simple
"I think I have growing pains but I'm 20 I can't be growing. Wait, can you get them from growing wider?!"
-Jessie, on new possibilities
Jimbo (to grocer): Can I get half a pound of American cheese and hard salami.
Jimbo (to Brian): Dude I think I want Colby jack instead.
Brian: Tell her then.
Jimbo (to grocer): Did you cut the cheese?
Lady grocer: Ummm... not recently.
"Hey you gotta do what you gotta do to avoid doing what you don't want to do."
-Ashleigh, on procrastination techniques
"I'd like to lodge the complaint that the room will not stop spinning."
-Blair, drunk-calling the front desk from her hotel room
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And now for the bonus content: COLLEGE PRANKS. Here are some stories collected from the internet.
An unknown student writes:
The most creative revenge I've ever heard of was carried out by a coworker of mine while he was attending an Ivy League school. The next door neighbor in the dorm was always bad about playing his stereo loud and late at night. After repeated requests failed to produce any change, revenge was due.
To make things easier, I'll refer to my friend as Bob and the offending jerk as "Jay"
Step 1 was to run some speaker wire from Bob's room to Jay's room and connect it to the speakers (of the stereo) in Jay's room. Bob and a buddy managed to get access to Jay's room while he was out and managed to connect a second set of wires to the speakers and ran them back to Bob's room. The wires were run such that they were not noticeable. There was a small crack between the outside wall and the wall dividing the two rooms, so the wires were run through that.
Step 2 was to secure a tape of a fly buzzing around - in stereo.
Step 3 was to wait until Jay's light went out (It was not to hard to tell because the light shone through the aforementioned crack when the light was on) and then start playing the tape. Lights out - buzzing fly, lights on, fly stops buzzing. Jay about went nuts trying to find that elusive fly for several weeks.
Step 4 occurred when Jay went home for a weekend. Bob put in a tape of someone loosing their mind and screaming all sorts of wild stuff "I can't take it any more" "I'm going to kill someone" "moan, sob, etc." ..... That kind of stuff. While Jay was gone - people wandering down the halls of the dorm heard all that coming from Jay's room. When he got back, Jay had a lot of people looking at him funny and asking if he was feeling ok and could they do anything for him, etc.
Step 5 occurred when Bob got tired of the stunt. He waited until Jay went to bed, gave him an hour or so to get sound asleep and then blasted him with Jay's own speakers (through the extra wire) with some very very very loud heavy metal music. Jay went nuts for a few minutes trying to shut off the music, only to find that even disconnecting the wires from his stereo didn't make the music stop. He FINALLY spotted the extra wire and ripped it out!
Epilogue - Jay quit playing his stereo so loud - he realized he was in the presence of a master and didn't want to risk another such stunt.
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Matt B. writes:
This is one of the funniest pranks ever if you can time it correctly.
I have two friends who don't get along with each other well, mainly because they both are the "know it all" types. So when they are around each other, they are constantly at each other's throats. I got this idea from another friend once when we were both drunk and decided to play a prank on these two gentlemen(who were not with us at the time)!
We took my telephone and my cellular phone and each called one of the two victims(dial *67 to be safe and make it anonymous). It was about 4:00 am, so they were both asleep, but fortunately they both answered after about 4-5 rings.
Now here's the funny part..We took the phones and put one receiver next to the other's speaker and vice versa. (So the sound is coming out each phone into the other's receiver) After each victim said "hello" a couple times, they started asking who each other was and why they were calling him at 4 oclock in the morning. All we heard was "Why on earth are you calling me at 4 in the morning? I didn't call you you &@%*!%#, you called me!" It took everything we could muster to keep from laughing too loud.
They were both steamed at each other because each one thought the other was calling them and then denying it. Meanwhile, I was busting a gut holding the two phones together listening to it all!
If you time it well, this trick is hilarious!
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An unknown student writes:
I call this story, the Tornado Warning. It is from my small private college in mid Michigan.
My roommate during my freshman year was a real pain--I'll leave it at that. He was a real brain but he wouldn't participate in any of our dorm activities and this led him to become somewhat alienated by the rest of our floor.
I got along fine with him but I did have one pet peeve against him. When his alarm would go off in the morning, he would let it buzz for 2-3 minutes before shutting it off. Even after I told him to quit doing this, he continued to let it buzz.
Well, my father (who is the king of pranks) bought me this amazing alarm clock. When the volume was fully turned up, it was as loud as most city's tornado-warning sirens. I placed this alarm under my bed--as far under it as possible. I set it for 3:30 a.m. and then I went to spend the night with my friend who happened to have his own room next to mine.
When that baby went off at 3:30, the whole dorm was awakened. Guys on other floors actually started filing outside, thinking that it was a test of the college's alarm system. My friend and I listened as my roommate first fell out of his bed, then screamed, then tried to figure out what was happening, and finally searched all over for that alarm clock. We could actually hear him tip over the bed and pull the clock's cord out of the socket. We couldn't get back to sleep for the rest of the night because we were laughing so hard. My roommate could hear us and he littered us verbally for the next hour or so--but he never let his alarm clock buzz for longer than 10 seconds since I got my revenge.
after I had gained my revenge on my roommate with the Tornado Alarm Clock, and the story got around the dorm, some other guys wanted to borrow my extremely loud clock to gain revenge on some of their friends--of course I let them borrow it!
Later that day I learned that they planned on using it on a guy who was somewhat of a condescending jerk, but whom I actually thought was pretty cool. Just before midnight, I went up to the guy and warned him about what was going to occur later that night. The pranksters had already placed the alarm clock under his bed and it was set to go off around 4:00 a.m.
Well, the target of the prank immediately accused me of putting the alarm under his bed and believed that I was simply telling him ahead of time so that he wouldn't think I did it? Does this make any sense to anyone? Why would I tell him BEFORE the alarm went off if I was the one who put the alarm under his bed????
Well now I am mad at this guy for getting mad at me FOR WARNING HIM about the alarm clock. I waited one day (that's all I the patience I had)and then got my revenge. My dad taught me this one... I got an old 78 record sleeve--the big ones that are about 14"x14"--you know, the cardboard "envelope" that you slide the big 78 records into.
Well, I waited till about 5:00 a.m.; filled the sleeve with baby powder until it was as fat as a sophomore co-ed; slid the opened end of the sleeve under his door; and then jumped up and landed--with both feet--on the record sleeve. Physics will tell you that the baby powder exploded out of the sleeve, under his door, and all over his room.
This became one of the most popular pranks on our campus. The baby powder coats EVERYTHING in the target's room with a slippery dust and it makes the room smell like a girl's room for days. I figure it took this guy a solid day to clean everything in his room. Oh--we got him with the Tornado alarm clock a couple weeks later.
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