At the request of DiscordantNote I have put the next 3 topics of College Quotes into one post to keep this board from getting cluttered. I do have a few more categories that will be put on the next post, but it will be at most a week before I can get them posted. (It takes a long time for me to color the text and fix my errors, and I am working full time at night this summer which leaves me with a lack of time.)
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Brutally Honest
Why shouldn't you lie? Because the truth can be a whole lot funnier.
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Peter: A sweatshirt. Thanks.
Mom: Oh, you don't like it?
Peter: I like it fine, I just don't show my emotions.
Allison: Yeah, is that why you cried on Thanksgiving?
-Opening Christmas presents and family secrets
Lauren: Maybe if my hair was longer I'd look better in hats.
Lisa: Maybe if you got plastic surgery you'd look better in hats, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven cause it looks like you smashed your face up pretty bad when you hit the ground!"
-Leesha, failing on a pickup line
"I hope he dies. Well, I hope he pays his rent for the rest of the semester and then dies."
-Tony, referring to his roommate
Samantha: Have you guys been playing this video game all day?
Chris M.: No, we put in a different game a few hours ago.
Scott M.: And I pooped a while ago.
Quick, check! Is my fat hanging over the seat?!"
-Lynzie R., every day in class
"The little desks aren't as comfortable as my bed."
-Gary, giving the professor his reason for not attending class
"You can keep knocking but you can't come in."
-Kevin, to his RA while drinking in his room
"I wish that they'd find a cure for Bobby's legs just so that I could cripple him again."
-John K.
Chris: I don't hate you Jimmy.
Jimmy: I don't hate you either, Chris.
Chris: We stink at lying.
Jimmy: Yes we do.
Shawn: Let's just drop her off here and make her walk.
Marty: She lives like four blocks away.
Shawn: Good, now I won't feel bad for making her walk.
Lee: Are you scared of me?
Bobby: No, I'm scared that you'll hit me and I'll blackout and start beating you to death.
"Dude, I was having the worst day today...then I thought to myself, hey, I could be Mike....and all my troubles vanished."- Scott M., consoling himself in front of Mike
"She's about six cans short of a six-pack, isn't she?"
-Rob
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Dazed and Confused
Ummmmm... What?
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Ryan: What is your favorite color?
Matt: I don't know, I like Pirates of the Caribbean.. Woah ho, ho, ho... a pirates life for me.
"Man, I hate this level in real life."
-Jorge, while playing Mario Kart on Game Cube
"HEY!...What's the moon doing over THERE?!"
-Chris, out of nowhere while walking back to the dorms
NN: You're worthless!
Nick: Hmm, I have no rebuttal.
Bill: Yeah, he's like 7'6".
Rory: 7'6"?! That's almost 12' tall!
I'm a flying cow... Mooooo... Flap...."
-Amy
John: You know what cheers me up... finding pants.
Phil: What, like pants you lost?
John: No, just finding them with no memory of buying them... it's all a mystery to me.
Jennifer: What's that thing, you know, that blocks a road?
Brandon: You mean a "road-block"?
-Brandon, fooled into thinking he caught a dumb quote (try "barricade" buddy)
"Tomorrow is going to be a busy week."
-Brandon
"So like what's with all the chickens on campus, I'm like walking around and there's roosters at my feet? I feel like I'm in the jungle."
-B. L. (try farms buddy)
Ruben: Dude...I have to run a 10k tomorrow.
Matt: You have to run 10,000 miles?
"Take that Shane! Hahaha! Wait, you're not Shane!"
-Kyle, while beating up some guy in a public bathroom in Chicago
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice!”
-Tony
"I'm SWIMMING in the FUTURE!"
-Ben, completely sober
"You mean we can commit laws?.....breaking laws?....crimes?"
-Adam, while crossing the Mississippi River trying to figure out what state he was in
"I knew I didn't have pockets in my boxers."
-Bobby, minimally clothed and reaching for his cell phone after it began ringing while he was laying on it
"They should make one-time use lighters that are really cheap, so if you lose them they won't be expensive to replace..."
-Jay, unaware of matches
"I wish my birthday was on Easter so it would be a different day every year."
-Cameron
Elizabeth: Hey! That's my underwear!
Christin: Hey! That's MY underwear!
-Dormmates discovering that panty raids against the person you room with don't work well
"A little pain never hurt anyone."
-Charla
"Run! Run like you ain't got no legs!!"
-R.J.'s drunkenly impaired Forrest Gump impression
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Deep Thoughts
I think, therefore I am. These college students think, therefore they are funny.
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Aaron: Bad parenting is bad parenting whether it be a bad car seat, dangling your kid outta a window, or holding them close to animals that would probably appreciate a bigger meal.
Seth: You know how to solve bad parenting? Aluminum foil. Just wrap the kid in it and all will be well.
-On practical parenthood
Amanda: Do you have any scissors? Theron: No, but I have a knife. That's like half a pair of scissors.
"If you think about it, people that are handicapped from being too fat shouldn't get to park in normal handicapped spaces. They should have special spaces extra far away so they can walk their fat off."
-Nick, talking about some fat guy he knows
"Guys, I've noticed that when the sun comes out it gets warmer."
-Janie, commenting on the weather
"Maybe a pack of wild ducks will get into the gym and wreak havoc on everyone. Rabid ducks. Furiously quacking." -Amy, hoping she won't have to do her dance performance
"We should paint a cow purple. Just try to imagine what's going on in the farmers head when he sees just one of his cows are purple in the morning..."
-Ryan
"If you mess with the bean, you get the whole burrito."
-Larry, trying to sound intimidating
"I thought I was somewhere else."
-James L., explaining why he broke wind loudly in the presence of women
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