Pink Poogle Toy Forum

The official community of Pink Poogle Toy
Main Site
NeoDex
It is currently Sun Nov 10, 2024 6:28 pm

All times are UTC




Post new topic This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 5 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Mmmm, a Story, I guess
PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:46 pm 
PPT Baby
PPT Baby
User avatar

Posts: 85
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:58 pm
You can consider this a "short" story, but its actually part of a book, I want to publish, even if I am a young author :o

Its 253 words, so its less then a thousand, so I hope I may post it here


Story!

EDIT-Thats right, a edit, half a minute later! I decided it to be easier to make an image out of it

Image

I'd like some ideas to improve it, constructive criticism etc.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Mmmm, a Story, I guess
PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 2:57 am 
PPT Trainee
PPT Trainee
User avatar

Posts: 531
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 7:21 am
Location: North Van xD
Hmm, some grammar errors, and the first two sentences don't quite make sense. I'm afraid I can't quite understand the real meaning. I can kind of guess^^* But it's not super clear >.<

"Its too dark to ..." should be "It's too dark..." cus it is = it's

Flames calmly erupted in the snow, melting its way into... should be Flames calmly erupted in the snow, melting their way... because flames is plural^^*

As he climbed into the darkness. Is he climbing INTO the darkness, or IN the darkness? o.O;

There had happened to be a scuffle. It just sounds kinda off. Maybe, There appeared to have been a scuffle.

Lyan was too late, as the wrong hands had already found the jewel. Maybe make it into two sentences, it might be more effective, and the 'as' doesn't seem to be the right word. Maybe a semi-colon, or a colon?

I hope my corrections are correct^^* hehe. I hope they help too >.<

But I really liked it^__^ I definitely got the message and the view, it was very good! and a great idea too^^* Props to you!


Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 3:19 am 
PPT Baby
PPT Baby
User avatar

Posts: 85
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:58 pm
Thanks. Its quite a later chapter in the book I want to write. I have the last chapter, and the first chapter, and some random tidbits o.O


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 3:36 am 
PPT Trainee
PPT Trainee
User avatar

Posts: 531
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2004 7:21 am
Location: North Van xD
Ooh, I'd love to read more^_^


Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 7:16 pm 
PPT Baby
PPT Baby
User avatar

Posts: 85
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 5:58 pm
Well, if it actually gets published and Im rich and famous ill send a free copy ;)


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 5 posts ] 

All times are UTC


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 18 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group