Pink Poogle Toy Forum

<I>((My best friend’s brother’s dead. Dead. Because some other idiot was drinking and driving and killed him. What am I supposed to do? I can’t talk to her... What can I say? I’ve never had anyone die... No... That’s a stupid idea... but what else can I do?))</I>

<b>Saturday 7th December</b>

<I>((I don’t believe it... I’m writing a letter to my best friend who I see everyday.))</I>

<b>Dear Vicky,</b>

<I>((What do I <b>say</b> for crying out loud? What can I SAY?))</I>

<b>I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t know about Michael and try and cheer you up. I’ll always be here to give you love and support.</b>

<I>((What am I trying to do then? What am I supposed to do? That sounds so corny... But what can I say that won’t sound corny for the love of anything?))</I>

<b>I’m writing because I feel that right now, you’ll accept this more than if I talked to you face to face.</b>

<I>((What if I’m wrong? What if she’d rather listen to me talk? Isn’t this a selfish way out to save me trouble? I feel so awful...))</I>

<b>Don’t feel different if you’re angry or lonely. It’s perfectly normal.</b> <I>((As if I know.))</I> <b>People will go through this and you aren’t the only one who’s been through this.</b> <I>((Oh ha ha. Everyone’s brother will die? Did <b>I</b> lose anyone? No. And what excellent grammar.))</I> <b>Maybe you’re not sure what to do with yourself right now because you’re in shock. If you’re confused, you can come to me.</b> <I>((And what can I give her, <b>what can I give her?</b>))</I> <b>You don’t need to think if you don’t want to.</b> <I>((How can someone not think about what’s happened?))</I>

<b>Do you think Michael’s still here? It’s normal, it’s ok. Don’t feel guilty! It only shows how much he was a part of your life.</b> <I>((Why do I sound so annoyingly happy and cheery? This is so wrong.))</i> <b>I heard you talk about him as if he was still going to come home with you after school. You’re always trying to distract yourself from thinking aobut him by concentrating on your work. You’ve never done that before.</b> <I>((Oh how would I know.))</I>

<b>You yelled at me for no particular reason today. I’m sorry for whatever it was.</b> <I>((I am so, so sorry for everything.))</I> <b>Maybe you were just taking your anger out on me. Are you angry at Michael for leaving? At the man who knocked him down? At the doctor for telling you? At your parents for not teaching him better? At yourself?</b> <I>((What the heck is with all my questions?!))</I> <b>You yelled at me like you’ve never yelled before. It hurt because you didn’t want me to help you. I wanted to hug you so badly and protect you from the truth but even though I can hug you forever, I can’t protect you. I won’t. It’s not right.</b> <I>((So what is? Michael dying?))</I> <b>Accepting is the only way you can heal. If you didn’t accept it, it would take so much longer and it would hurt so much more whenever you do.</b> <I>((Why am I using past tense? It should be present... Oh who cares anymore!))</I> <b>Michael would have wanted it. He doesn’t want you to grieve forever.</b> <I>((Oh great, now I’m using present tense and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to.))</I> <b>Don’t hate yourself or blame yourself if you didn’t say goodbye or you said something you shouldn’t have. Michael loved you. He still does, I’m sure. His last memory of you wouldn’t be a horrible one. He wouldn’t think of a tantrum, but your admiration for everything he did and how much you wanted to be like him. He used to recall those stories where you were always doing something ‘ridiculously, funnily stupid’.</b> <I>((Do you remember, Vicky, do you remember?))</i> <b>He loved you as much as you love him.</b>

<b>I’ve seen you walk around school, so blank and inactive. No one’s talking because we don’t know what to say. We know and we want to help. It’s just we want to, but we don’t know how.</b> <I>((Gah, I’m making it sound like it’s her fault...))</I> <b>You hardly eat anything at lunch and you’ve got bags under your eyes. How much sleep do you get?</b>

<b>I’m writing because I’m hoping if you don’t know what to do, you’ll keep reading just to have something to do now. If I spoke to you and you didn’t want to listen, you’d shut everything out of your head.</b>

<b>Vicky, please, please cry. It’s the first step to healing. Don’t think this is going to end because it’s a dream. You’d be different if you lied to yourself. You wouldn’t be Michael’s sister.</b> <I>((That’s such a cruel thing to say...))</I> <b>He won’t want that.</b>

<b>Michael’s not gone and he never will be. As long as you love him he’ll be in your heart – alive.</b>

<b>People talk about guardian angels. Michael is probably yours now. Yours, your family’s, his friends... all the people he loves. Maybe he’s yours – all yours. He’s safe now, don’t worry. I know, I just know he’s ok and he’s telling you that as well.</b>

<b>You can do something in memory of him, you know. Prevent other people from drunk driving. Bring that murderer to court.</b> <I>((Is ‘murderer’ too harsh a word for that man?))</I>

<b>Remember this: everyone loves you. Michael’s not gone, not really. I’m here for you all the time, any time, even if I’m in the bathroom at the dead of night.</b>

<b>Call me when you want to. Or come round yourself. You can write to release the pain, but the best is talking and crying.</b>

<b>I love you. I’ll do anything for you as long as you heal. Please remember, Vicky, that I love you.</b>