Two Peanuts were walking in a park...

[Breene]

my freind told me this one a week ago....

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?


........


If it had four doors it would be a chicken sudan.

[shapu]

Cut and pasted from a few bad emails I've gotten over the years.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when fires broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his calculator, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps full-blast, flooding out the entire room, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems and hypotheses, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep and died.

One for the military buffs:

When considering the behaviour of a cannon:

-A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
-A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
-An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are all driving in a car when it breaks down. They all get out and take a look under the hood.
The chemical engineer says, "The fuel mix must be off. Correct that and we'll be off."
The mechanical engineer says, "Nonsense! All we have to do is check the timing belts and make sure all the parts that are supposed to move are. Take care of that, and we'll be good."
The software engineer says, "We should take it completely apart, put it back together exactly the same way, and each get in one by one."

[Shoyru_Lover]

It was his son's 3rd birthday, so this man walks up to his son and asks, "Well son, it's you're three now. What do you want for your birthday?"

"Pink Ping pong balls!"

Well, that seemed a bit unusual, but the kid kept saying the same thing, so the father went down to the local sports store, found a package of pink ping pong balls and gave them to his son.

Christmas rolls around, and the father goes back to his son.

"Son, what do you want for Christmas?"

The little boys looks up at his father. "Pink ping pong balls, dada."

So the father, only slightly worried, goes and buys some pink ping pong balls. The boy proclaims it, "the bwest Christmas evar," so the father is satisfied. Sure, the kids a little odd, but he seems happy...

Next year.

"Son, your birthday coming up in a couple of weeks. Anything you want? A new action figure, a toy truck?"

"Pink ping pong balls."

"Are you sure? I mean, there are other things I can get you."

"No. Want pink ping pong balls."

So the father goes down to the store and gets the kid his pink ping pong balls. At this point he's starting to get pretty worried about his son. Still...

Chirstmas, same year. The father starts off the season by showing his son all of the new toys, and gets a large lego set without consulting his son. The mother buys a package of pink ping pong balls, just in case. On Christmas, when the boy starts crying because he didn't get any pink ping pong balls, the mother quickly pulls out another present and hands it to the boy.

"Pink ping pong balls!"

Fifth year, same child, same wish. Yet more pink ping pong balls.

"Why son? Why? What's so important about pink ping pong balls?"

The child doesn't answer.

Next year, the father gives up. He buys a case of pink ping pong balls for his son, hoping the child will soon get tired of them. The plan doesn't work.

Seventh year, the father decides to try a little bit of variation. He buys a package of colored ping pong balls for his son's birthday. Some are green, some are blue, but none of them are pink. The boy accepts the gift politely, but is so depressed the mother goes off and buys him some pink ping pong balls to cheer him up. "Pink ping pong balls!"

The father doesn't even try anything come Christmas. He just picks up a package of pink ping pong balls on the way home from work three days before.

Year eight, the family has a new child - a girl. The father doesn't spend much time with his son. He just grabs a couple of packages of pink ping pong balls and gives them to his son. The child seems happy.

Year nine, still busy with the girl, same thing happens. The boy has no complaints.

Year ten. Thankfully, the girl turned out a little more - um - standard. Dolls and such. The father just throws a package of pink ping pong balls at his son on the holidays.

This continues for some time, all the way until the child's 24th year. He would accept other gifts, but he always had to have at least one pink ping pong ball. No matter what they did, the parents could never find out why their child wanted pink ping pong balls, what he did with them, or why he enjoyed them more than the car they gave him on his 18th birthday.

Well, at this time, the boy has had a girlfriend for the past year. Their marrage is a few months away when a routine checkup reveals that the boy has stage 4 cancer. He's only expected to last a few weeks. Well, the boy struggles on, manages to survive a month, but things are looking bleak. The father goes into the hospital room and looks at his son. The boy's eyes blink open.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Hows things going? Everyone *cough* everyone alright?"

"Yeah, son. Just rest. Things will get better."

"No they won't"

"Sure they will."

A few days later, the doctors tell the man that his son is getting better. So the man walks into the hospital room and asks his son what he would like as a get-well present.

"Do you even need to ask?"

"No, I guess not. Tell you what - I'll get you some pink ping pong balls if you tell me why you want them so much."

"Deal." The two shake hands.

So the father goes out, buys a package of pink ping pong balls. He returns and gives them to his son.

"So why do you always want pink ping pong balls?"

"Well, because -"

The kid flatlines.
_________

Because i love pointless jokes
Still better than the black and white space marine on the black and white bike, joke mindyou.

OMG!!! I HATE YOU!!! I can't believe you made me read all that lol. But touching all the same.

[TDG]

Irish joke! Being part Irish (I'm a mixture of Irish, Scottish and English ), I'm allowed to...

Paddy arrived in America, it was his first time out of the country and he was a bit nervous about it. Hailing a taxi, he got in and promptly said "142 McTerrace Lane laddy"

The driver nodded and off they sped. Noticing the nervous Irish man in the back, the driver tried sparking a conversation.

"So, first time in America ?"

Paddy just nodded and stared out the window as they raced through the area.

"Enjoying it ?"

Paddy shrugged.

"So...what's it like back in Ireland ?"

Paddy store out the window and squeaked. "Oh, it's alright I guess..."

This goes on for about half an hour before the taxi driver pulls into 142 McTerrace Lane. Trying one more time as they drive up a lengthy driveway, the taxi driver speaks.

"This is an awful long driveway..."

Paddy looks at him oddly for a moment then replies.

"Yeah, but if it was any shorter it wouldn't reach the house now would it ?"

[Asthaloth]

...

OMG!!! I HATE YOU!!! I can't believe you made me read all that lol. But touching all the same.

Now. For that joke methinks.

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally enquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied;
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.

"Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.

"Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard enquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike"
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
"Sure."

Forgive me.

[Twinkle]

*stabbity stab stabs*

[Asthaloth]

It was originally longer too.

[krisgp]

It was his son's 3rd birthday, so this man walks up to his son and asks, "Well son, it's you're three now. What do you want for your birthday?"

"Pink Ping pong balls!"

Well, that seemed a bit unusual, but the kid kept saying the same thing, so the father went down to the local sports store, found a package of pink ping pong balls and gave them to his son.

Christmas rolls around, and the father goes back to his son.

"Son, what do you want for Christmas?"

The little boys looks up at his father. "Pink ping pong balls, dada."

So the father, only slightly worried, goes and buys some pink ping pong balls. The boy proclaims it, "the bwest Christmas evar," so the father is satisfied. Sure, the kids a little odd, but he seems happy...

Next year.

"Son, your birthday coming up in a couple of weeks. Anything you want? A new action figure, a toy truck?"

"Pink ping pong balls."

"Are you sure? I mean, there are other things I can get you."

"No. Want pink ping pong balls."

So the father goes down to the store and gets the kid his pink ping pong balls. At this point he's starting to get pretty worried about his son. Still...

Chirstmas, same year. The father starts off the season by showing his son all of the new toys, and gets a large lego set without consulting his son. The mother buys a package of pink ping pong balls, just in case. On Christmas, when the boy starts crying because he didn't get any pink ping pong balls, the mother quickly pulls out another present and hands it to the boy.

"Pink ping pong balls!"

Fifth year, same child, same wish. Yet more pink ping pong balls.

"Why son? Why? What's so important about pink ping pong balls?"

The child doesn't answer.

Next year, the father gives up. He buys a case of pink ping pong balls for his son, hoping the child will soon get tired of them. The plan doesn't work.

Seventh year, the father decides to try a little bit of variation. He buys a package of colored ping pong balls for his son's birthday. Some are green, some are blue, but none of them are pink. The boy accepts the gift politely, but is so depressed the mother goes off and buys him some pink ping pong balls to cheer him up. "Pink ping pong balls!"

The father doesn't even try anything come Christmas. He just picks up a package of pink ping pong balls on the way home from work three days before.

Year eight, the family has a new child - a girl. The father doesn't spend much time with his son. He just grabs a couple of packages of pink ping pong balls and gives them to his son. The child seems happy.

Year nine, still busy with the girl, same thing happens. The boy has no complaints.

Year ten. Thankfully, the girl turned out a little more - um - standard. Dolls and such. The father just throws a package of pink ping pong balls at his son on the holidays.

This continues for some time, all the way until the child's 24th year. He would accept other gifts, but he always had to have at least one pink ping pong ball. No matter what they did, the parents could never find out why their child wanted pink ping pong balls, what he did with them, or why he enjoyed them more than the car they gave him on his 18th birthday.

Well, at this time, the boy has had a girlfriend for the past year. Their marrage is a few months away when a routine checkup reveals that the boy has stage 4 cancer. He's only expected to last a few weeks. Well, the boy struggles on, manages to survive a month, but things are looking bleak. The father goes into the hospital room and looks at his son. The boy's eyes blink open.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Hows things going? Everyone *cough* everyone alright?"

"Yeah, son. Just rest. Things will get better."

"No they won't"

"Sure they will."

A few days later, the doctors tell the man that his son is getting better. So the man walks into the hospital room and asks his son what he would like as a get-well present.

"Do you even need to ask?"

"No, I guess not. Tell you what - I'll get you some pink ping pong balls if you tell me why you want them so much."

"Deal." The two shake hands.

So the father goes out, buys a package of pink ping pong balls. He returns and gives them to his son.

"So why do you always want pink ping pong balls?"

"Well, because -"

The kid flatlines.
_________

Because i love pointless jokes
Still better than the black and white space marine on the black and white bike, joke mindyou.

That's creepy... I work at a summer camp and we tell more or less the same story... only its pink golf balls... and the kid never gets any...

What's creepy is that the 2 guys that came up with the story made it up on the spot because we needed to stall at flag pole that night...

Did you go to my camp??? (Arrowhead Camp, Dwight ON)

[Asthaloth]

Nope, never left ol Blighty (Well. Went to Wales once but i doubt that counts :p )

Its an old Joke that did the rounds on the net a few years back, i just happened to find it.
And the Black and White Space Marine on the black and white bike, is a modified version of a similar joke (Space marine= Knight, Bike=Horse)

[andyroonie]

What did the old lady say when she lost her dentures?

A: Nothing, she just looked for them.

[TDG]

What did the old lady say when she lost her dentures?

A: Nothing, she just looked for them.

Reminds me of...

Q : What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor ?
A : Damn! I've lost my tractor!

Q : What did the farmer say when he lost his hat ?
A : Damn it! I still can't find my tractor...

[RolandOfTheEld]

ok... Since I only have corny jokes... I shall now attack.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.

----------------------------------------------------------
A priest, a pirate with a hook and a pegleg, and a talking penguin. The bartender looked up at them and said "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the front porch?

Matt

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a lake?

Bob

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?

Phil

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the wall?

Art

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on stage?

Mike

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call two men with no arms or legs in the kitchen?

Herb and Basil.

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a woman with one arm an one leg on the same side?

Eileen.

[Dali]

oops I forgot about this thread haha, my bad..

Sneze hilarious yet lame all at once, love the jokes.

Setekh ... .... I feel like jabbing a fork in your eye j/k but seriously I can't believe I fell for reading another of those "jokes" ... I was like: "Oh this ones got to have a punch line ..." Uggg... .lol

[RolandOfTheEld]

Ok, here's another one.

How do you keep a moron busy? Scroll Down.


















































































































How do you keep a moron busy? Scroll up.