Pink Poogle Toy Forum

[Sorry that I've posted two rants in such a short space of time. Sometimes, people just need to let things out]

Yeah, weird title, but you'll see why in a minute. I've been suffering from depression for years and years. It's not an ongoing thing, it happens in phases, sometimes lasting a few days and sometimes lasting a month or so. Some of my friends have depression too and they've been given anti-depressants, counselling/therapy, but what about me? I've seen doctors a few times about my depression and I went to see a psychiatric nurse and she discharged me after a month because I was just going through some teenage angst. The doctor said I was perhaps stuck in a rut and that I only think I have depression and that it will make it worse if I keep thinking about it. He has a point but I don't think he OR the psychiatric nurse knows the full extent of what I'm going through.

When I'm feeling depressed I find it hard to get out of bed, I feel lazy, I don't bother feeding myself, or getting dressed, and sometimes I don't shower or clean my self for over a week. I can't be bothered, and when people shout at me for being like that I just shut off and don't bother listening to them.

I also feel like I'm trapped in a bubble of darkness. I can't see my past because it's all blurry, I can't see my future because it's white and fuzzy. I get these vague pictures of my past and future in my head but they're like landscapes from a dream, all distorted and distant.

When I'm stuck in this bubble I'm oblivious to anyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone and I just accept that I'm stuck here. In this bubble, I think about death; I think about what it's like to die, I think about my loved ones dying, I think about me dying and wondering whether people will miss me, how many people will come to my funeral, and I obsess over young people and children who have died in horrible ways.

I also feel like I'm trapped in a bubble of darkness. I can't see my past because it's all blurry, I can't see my future because it's white and fuzzy. I get these vague pictures of my past and future in my head but they're like landscapes from a dream, all distorted and distant.

When I'm stuck in this bubble I'm oblivious to anyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone and I just accept that I'm stuck here. In this bubble, I think about death; I think about what it's like to die, I think about my loved ones dying, I think about me dying and wondering whether people will miss me, how many people will come to my funeral, and I obsess over young people and children who have died in horrible ways.

With my depression, I also get angry and confused, which leads me to hurt myself. I just feel a rage burn up inside me and rather than taking it out on other people I take it out on myself. People have called me an attention-seeker before, not in real life but online. They tell me that a lot of cutters do it for attention and that I'm one of them. But they're wrong. I'm telling you all that I cut myself because it's easier to do. But in real life I hide the scratches on my arms because I'm ashamed and scared; I'm scared how people will react and what they'll think of me. I'm worried that they again will see this as teenage angst or just plain attention-seeking. I'm scared of so many different things.

One time, I had a period of depression and it was really bad. I didn't think I'd be able to shake it off. I had everything I've mentioned above but I was also hearing voices in my head and was hallucinating. This occured only at night. It felt a little like sleep paralysis; the evil presense in my room and scared of everything. The voices were of a crowd, a distant crowd and muffled. But I could hear them. The hallucination first started as a square of fire. It zoomed up to my face and then vanished. After that I started to cry and hid my face under my quilt. I was shaking like a leaf and I couldn't stop. At this point I started to sob. After a few minutes I stuck my head out of the quilt but I could hear noises and I felt like there was something nasty lurking in the darkness. My room didn't feel comfortable as is normally did, no. It now felt like I was stuck in a huge black forest full of death and horrible nasty creatures. I eventually drifted off to sleep but I'll never forget that night. I'm even seeing shadows behind me now as we speak, and that's because I'm reliving it and remembering it all again.

Does this sound like teenage angst to you? Didn't think so. So, then, why do people insist there's nothing wrong with me? I thought the professionals were meant to HELP you. They help other people so why not me?

Have you told your Doctor about what you've described? If so, then keep badgering your GP. Don't worry about the thinking about death, everyone goes through that stage. Heck, I just went through it. Just as long as you're not thinking about killing yourself.

If you really need someone to talk to, talk to The Samaritans. They really helped me when I was down a few months ago.


Finally, don't worry. If you feel like cutting yourself, try to take your mind off of it. Go for a walk or watch a DVD. Heck, beat up your pillow (that always works for me, and it's cheaper than going to professional Anger Management). If you still can't take your mind off it, come online and just talk to us. We'll always be here for you.

Yes, I wrote a six page symptom list describing EVERYTHING. I'm quite proud of myself sometimes because I feel like I've beat the depression and don't need pills. But that's only when I'm in a really good mood and they don't really happen that often. when I'm not thinking like that I wonder why and how I'm supposed to deal with this on my own. I do deal with it on my own but I struggle. I try to tell myself that I'm dealing with it alright on my own but I'm not.

I've heard of those. I'll look them up. I'm not very good talking to people on the phone though but I guess I've got no choice really.

The thing is, I can't take my mind off it. It's too sudden. It's like a surge of emotion which stops me from thinking rationally. I just do it and then, when I've finished hurting myself the anger goes away. And thanks. It means a lot to know that the people here will be there for me.

Well, we can't diagnose you here as we don't know you in real life and I'm pretty sure nobody here is a psychiatrist. Sometimes it could be teenage angst, but it can also be something more. It sounds very likely that you have depression, but again, don't take my word for it, I can't diagnose you. When you say doctors, do you mean psychiatrists? It's frustrating, but you have to take the initiative and keep calling until they schedule you. You could try therapy too, that works well for many people. I hope you find the help you need. Good luck!

Pills aren't always the answer. I've actually been diagnosed with clinical depression and have been on a few different kinds of them. If it is as severe as you say it is, they may be able to help. Usually, they make you check up with a psychiatrist and/or have therapy along with the anti-depressants.

Well ... I can't really help you but to also suggest seeing a psychiatrist. However, your second-to-last paragraph seemed to be describing a hypnagogic hallucination, which might have had nothing to do with your depression.

Have you tried working out the root cause of this?

Please don't take any offence to this, but I agree with jade about your hallucination. It doesn't sound like any symptoms of depression that I've come across.

Sometimes you can just be stuck in a rut. I thought that was what had happened to me before I got diagnosed with clinical and chemical depression.

I didn't think I had depression, however the reverse is also true. I've known people who genuinely didn't have depression, however they'd done 'research' and jumped so easily to their "solution" that they had depression. There's a lot of different conditions out there.

actually that does make perfect sense. Get yourself checked out for Bipolar. Hallucinations and hearing voices are a part of it. Going through cycles of Drepression, suicidal, self mutilation having no energy and never wanting to get out of bed. And the happy times and being almost giddy. The mood swings can happen really fast, all of a sudden you're happy as can be then bam! it's gone and you're back down again. Racing thoughts occur too, Same with morbid thoughts, oh my all those morbid thoughts I would have. Along with something gets into your head and you have to do it now, if not it will drive you crazy if you don't. You sound a lot like me.

If you do have it then get use to being on all the drugs for it, it's the only way to have a normal life.

Trust me I've been bipolar since I was 11 and now I'm almost 33. I was misdiagnosed with just having depression now that I'm on the proper treatment things are a lot better.

But seriously, find a psych who's experienced with bipolar I've seen a few who weren't and just diagnosed me with depression and either being hyper or having ADD which wasn't the case.

If you think you have depression or some different disorder then keep visiting different doctors. If you do have something, depression for example, then focussing about it like this online is about the worst thing you can do.

But at the end of the day doctors do know their stuff, depression is the number one thing they deal with after all. Some doctors get it wrong but if all doctors are saying the same thing...

Either way you should try and get them to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get to the bottom of it all.

I do hope that what I was experiencing WAS a hypnagogic hallucination because I do suffer with sleep paralyis too (though not as much as I used to) and it would make sense. I was upset too but it wasn't a normal kind of upset; it was like there was this big feeling inside me that felt like death and doom was all I was going to look forward to. But that's also described in both sleep paralysis AND hypnagogic hallucination, so it could have simply been a bad bout of that instead.

The reason I think I have depression though is that my mom's got it, my grandmother has had it, my great aunt has had it, my cousins have had it, one of my cousins has just been diagnosed with depression...it runs in the family. But still...people think I'm fine. I have Aspergers Syndrome too, and so I keep a lot of things bottled up because I can't express my feelings very well (when I do my mind gets confused and I end up with inappropriate emotions coming out, which in turn just makes people turn away because they don't know how to deal with me), so most of the time I keep to myself because of this syndrome. I don't have it bad, but I have it enough for it to affect my life.



No, I'm not sure I have. I wouldn't know where to look. I've been bullied at school but nothing overly traumatic. So I'm not sure there IS a root, as such.

I guess I COULD be stuck in a rut, if this was just a one off thing. But it happens in phases and sometimes the feelings are so strong that I admit I've felt like killing myself before. And then my mind pulls me in different directions. I've got leaving my family in one direction and leaving this pain and hurt behind. I always pull through but it's not a rut. No way.[/quote]



I know I don't have bipolar disorder. I know that for a fact. It's a bad conditon, and I know you have it and I'm sorry for that, but my symptoms are nothing as severe as that. My 'hyper' periods are just that. Hyper. Everyone goes through that. They aren't manic episides in the slightest. It's the depression that really hits me hard and that's what I find the hardest to deal with.

I know I don't have bipolar disorder. I know that for a fact. It's a bad conditon, and I know you have it and I'm sorry for that, but my symptoms are nothing as severe as that. My 'hyper' periods are just that. Hyper. Everyone goes through that. They aren't manic episides in the slightest. It's the depression that really hits me hard and that's what I find the hardest to deal with.[/quote]

yeah and my hyper periods would only last an hour. There are many types of bipolar. I'm a type 2 rapid cycler.

whatever though.

I wasn't getting at you. I just don't want to jump to conclusions I guess. I didn't realise there were different types of bipolar either, but now I know. I'm sorry if I offended you. Why do I always put my foot in it? *sigh*

Ginger, go to the doctor. Nothing anyone says here can really help you unless you've officially been diagnosed with something. Just go to the doctor's.

Ginger...

It's not teenage angst. You're not even a teenager anymore.

Go to a doctor. If he wants proof that you're depressed, print out every topic you've posted here about your feelings and hand them to him.

I suggest a chilli a day to get those ol' endorphins up and running